just thinking (anger risng)

hmm what can i say today, its been while since i wrote here in my personal blog. Well i guess as you know couple of this weeks its been complicated for all of us. Our dad past away in April , 29, 2010. Well its like wow it all happened al sudden. Its been hard for us but i al can tel you this even im so mad at people this days and im so sad about alot of things that i have on my mind. I don't know if i can help others if i have things on my own to worry about but i guess i have this special thing inside me that i care about people first before me. the question is how?? How can i help them and how can i help my self. Yes i know people say im strong but you know sometimes i just think maybe nt enough that i can help my self and my friends. Anyways i have few people i met and its blessing to me but sometimes i think what do peoplethink when they meet me i mean words maybe different from what they thinking inside them. Gosh i have alot anger in me like i had dreams and now i have to wait longer for them to come true. Like for example i was really good runner and look at me now I'm so slow now ( because i have a baby in me) still i just want to take everything that happened to me past this couple of weeks. i know i should complain because there is worse people who been through way worse then me but still i think i been through enough that im just sick of everything. I also mad sometimes why God givew me this trial im going through that its so hard but this one of my friends told me this maybe God knows that im strong enough go through this and never ever give up on him and always stay by his side that's why he give me trial. so i guess i have special needs but im also special to God. Sometimes i wish i had a magic wine you know to heal peoples hearts but its reality everything i want its just a dream. In life you have to work you have to pay bill and so much more. but when you dream its like wow that's sounds like a good idea ha but nope its not its all dream. but i wonder those people who succeeded soo lucky i mean look at them they have so much things in life and its not fair i think sometimes but i also know it probably took them long time to work for it. Like musions tey dont just become famouse like easy they have to continue sing and continue sel records and continue perform and artist they have to continue play movies. Soo everybody in this life have something to do like work and try their best to be strong person. anyways i do have alot things in my mind i do miss alot of people in my life and i do miss my old life. and mostly i hate how some poeple or im not going to name it think im retarded you know im not retarded and i know how to be on my own it just will take me time to do that but i know you saiyng im not but i know inside of my eyes you think im just cant do this. Frustrated because why did you told to come here to stay while but then both of you trick me that's how i really feel. i just dontgetthis one thing why do people bring kids here to nice places and then make their life harder when it already is. I mean im sorry for saying it but seriously im been places to places and you know i hate it. i want to leave my life not what you guys want me to be. and you know stop telling me things that doctor told you this i dont care okay what they say and it hurts that you think exactly they tink of me. You know all i want is for you to be okay i know you can do this not always pressure me and making it harder for me. Plus im going to miss my little boy Tyreece Jordan when he is going to be in good hands. you know you happy about what im doing its good thing but still what about me. and stop tellimg ,e its my mothers fault i don't care about her and never will i woll forgive her someday but now its she is nothing to me im just want to thank her for ruining my life and giving me this thing. and im so sick of everybody telling me that ohh well how you going to do this you have to have this to able to do this well you know what i can do this i have faith and i know i can do this. Anyways i just wish i never came here to this America in a first place. you brought me here to be here with my brother and now he is on his own and doing thing he shouldn't do and you know i cant stop him he is grown men now and i don't know what i can do now. i know he did so many things to you and all of you but i just wished you guys had a patients with him. i ant to have good life and i want to have Bright future for me not always be sad or mad or what ever you want me to say. im mad and i have alot frustration in me and its not because i have it some kind of depression disorder its not that its what im going through now not because i had that its because that's what happens when a chilled or a person or teen goes though alot problems and parents cant help him /her and giving her hard time. and i know you tryng to help me but you sometimes making it harder for me to do this. you know i coud have finished school and came back here but no i guess that's what you guys wanted me to do not what i wanted to do. I did had good support and good life yes i did made alot mistakes but im human not some animal and dont blame on my problem i have my stupid mom gived me its what i chosed and its what i did. Its my mistake. Andi really feel like i dont have no freedom because you always be in charge of me andi hate that i want to be normal teenager or i should say normal grown up who has ups and downs i want you to be my mom not somebodsy who is like my body guard if you know what i mean by bodyguard you have me forever here and some day i do want to move to different place you know. I feel like im thirteen again when i have or i cant od some things i just hate it. And i just wished you guys toled me that before that im going to be here stuck ad that you going to get garidianship over me. I dont like you for alot of things but i also thankful what you had go through bring me here to this state. and i also thankful that you give me this life leaving its way beter then i ever could have. andi also thankful have gospel in my life. Faith thats what it keeps me up.